Welcome back to the Byrds, where chicken is da bomb and pork is for losers! Last time we added another member to the household named Buzzard. Aki forced Lawrence to accept her marriage proposal, and we learned that sims have dirty minds while watching the stars. Tabitha got a makeover and a new lifetime wish and the family was getting nervous trying to figure out which one of them was going to be voluntold to be the portrait painter of the family.
I'm sure you all remember that the last chapter ended with a schoolbus colliding with a taxi driven by the Minion Maid. The police report said it was all the fault of the inebriated and snake bitten Minion Maid. But was it?
BJ: *in a whisper* Psst, Aunt Akepa. Are you sure Minion Schoolbus Driver is a Pick Porker?
Akepa: I'm positive.
BJ: But how can you be sure?
Akepa: I heard they had support for Pick Pork written into the Minion Schoolbus Driver union charter. They are all Porkers!
BJ: Oh! What do we do then?
Akepa: Let's bung a rock at her!
*Akepa throws a rock. It bounces off the driver's glasses, causing her to jerk in shock and surprise, which consequently causes the schoolbus to veer into the lane of oncoming traffic.*
Better hope the tabloids never find out.
At the Byrd manse, the Minion Maid is attempting to get over her hangover.
Minion Maid: Oh my aching head. I feel like I've been run over by a school bus. Where is Brad? I'm sure he will have something to ease the pain.
The Minion Maid will have simply have to suffer since Brad is out on a visitation. A politician's work is never done.
Brad: Seona! So great to see you, darling. Have you thought about my proposal? I really think a couple of chickens on your face would do wonders for you, and we all know that chickens are better than stars.
Seona: Chickens you say? I'll consider it.
Standby: No. Bad idea. My wife does not need to change anything.
This is Malcolm Hart-Costello, son of Standby and Seona. He looks like he's got a hare lip, to me.
Malcolm: Are..are you making fun of me?
Yes, I think I am.
Malcolm: Oh. Just checking.
Dionysus Chimeree also lives in the house. Interesting factoid about Dionysus - his current girlfriend is Sim!JulieJaz. It seems she did manage to catch a man after all. Good job!
Seona: *cracks knuckles* When are you going to move out of my house, loser?
Dionysus: When I'm good and ready, harpy.
Dionysus isn't kidding. Story Progression declared Seona as the town harpy.
Brad: Hello Standby. May I sit with you while I nosh on your wife's delightful cheesy mac?
Standby: I suppose.
Brad: I've heard that you don't agree with my suggestion to Seona that she change her facial markings from stars to chickens. Might I ask why?
Standby: Sure. Pigs are cuter than chickens.
Brad: *offended gasp*
Meanwhile, Dionysus tries to give his nephew a few romance tips.
Dionysus: If you like her, Malcolm, be sure you sit in the desk next to hers at school. That way you can talk to her and even pass notes, and she won't be able to escape. Julie did something similar to me and now we are together, so I know this approach works.
Malcolm: Oh, I see. Trapping your intended is the way to go. Thanks Uncle D.
And while I was busy mucking about with Brad and his eternal campaign, I missed Buzzard's birthday. So here he is, staring at you.
Buzz: Who you?
I am glad to see that the dark hair gene continues to the next generation, though.
Brad: We really like this nooboo, Tabitha. How about you give us three more?
Tabitha: I'd be happy to do that, Brad. Want to go watch the stars with me?
Cole: *Disapproving Godmother Stare*
Seriously? You reject all attempts to flirt with anyone but your hubby, unless it is your father-in-law? I'm beginning to think that Tabitha does not have a strong sense of self-preservation (Cole and Tabitha's relationship is in the red zone).
That, or Byrd men are irresistible.
Tabitha: ...and you want to be sure you get plenty of height before you swoop down and attack your prey. Chickens are particularly vulnerable. And then you bring your catch home to Momma for dinner!
BJ: *giggles* Swoop!
Cole: I know you are best friends with her and all, Sugar Cookie, but if she keeps up the inappropriate behavior, I will be forced to make her sit in the comfy chair and watch videos on fidelity.
Aki: Nothing like a quick shower in the morning before I head to work for a day of torturing the criminal element of Volcano Cove.
Aki: Frammit! Pranked again!
Aki: *whining* Garg, how much longer are you going to make me live here? Why won't you let me move out?
She is rather pathetic looking, don't you think? It is almost enough to make me feel sorry for her. Almost being the operative word.
But while Aki washes the dye out of her hair, Akepa gets to go on a field trip, chaperoned by Cocaine Chimeree.
cocaine: Why am I taking a bunch of teenagers to the VC Science Center? I don't have any kids, and I don't even know these people.
Akepa: Shush your whining. It will be fun.
Cocaine: Alright kids, let's get through this tour on double-time. The faster we run through, the faster this nightmare is over!
Glen: I can't believe we have to write a paper on this when we're done. That's so lame!
Brady: I wonder if Akepa and I can find a quiet corner to sneak off into and have some fun.
Unfortunately for Cocaine, the trip to the science center was not nearly as uneventful as he hoped. When they reached the rift generator, Akepa saw a hapless scientist and immediately began interrogating him about the latest conspiracy theory she had read on the internet.
The theory had something to do with genetically manipulated pigs, the rift generator, Daleks, a missing colony, and a grassy knoll. I didn't understand it, but the scientist immediately got flustered, called security and they were promptly thrown out.
But the worst tragedy of all was that due to the confusion, Brady didn't get his makeout session.
Aha! Looks like someone got a promotion! I wonder who it could be.
It's Alba! Good going! Only three more promotions till you complete your lifetime wish! I have to say, you look mighty handsome in your tuxedo.
Alba: Thanks. Tonight we are performing the symphonic version of the song I wrote dedicated to both Toficken and Chicken. Sim!Starla won't be able to top it.
I see. But I thought that particular song had to be performed in the nude.
Alba: It does. The entire symphony plans to strip down before we go on stage.
Akepa: Not a bad picture, even if I did have to paint it.
I know everyone has been trembling with anticipation of finding out which Byrd was being forced to tackle painting. The wait is now over! The unfortunate lass is Akepa.
Akepa: You only picked me because I'm the youngest.
I did not! I knew you had an artistic soul, even if you don't possess the trait.
Akepa: Yeah. Now pull the other one.
Akepa: But if I have to paint, I'm at least going to paint what I want. I think this time I'll capture the true essence of Peace and Chicken Grease on canvas.
Garg: Hello there readers. Good to see you. I just want to take a moment of your time and let you know that I am attending this function under duress. In fact, there is only one reason I'm here.
Garg: And that reason is standing over there. I'll attend any event that Corbin is also attending. He makes parties worthwhile.
Corbin: You do know that guys are not typically invited to these types of events, don't you?
Of course they are! The guys are usually the main attractions, in fact. Of course they are usually wearing less clothing...
Corbin: Forget it.
Yes dear readers, today we are attending Aki's bachelorette party. Aki, are you OK? You look a little... constipated.
Aki: What did you just do?
Nothing. I just gave you your wedding present a bit early.
**Opens up the lifetime rewards panel, gives Aki the fertility treatment award, laughs uproariously to herself as she closes the panel**
Aki: I am not amused.
I certainly am. Lighten up and go join your party.
Malika: I wonder what Audio Science Creeper is doing here. Maybe he's going to strip?
A better question might be why you are wearing a raincoat to this party.
Malika: That's easy. I wanted to protect my dress from any sprayed champagne.
Garg: Ok ya'll, gather round. Let's give a toast to the bride. We all know Aki is lov-... Well, I know everyone here considers her a frien-... Hmm. How about this - Congrats to Aki and Lawrence, no two people deserve each other more.
Aki: That was the worst toast ever.
Garg: Hush your complaining. The entertainment just arrived.
Simon Steele: Howdy ladies. I hear we've got some wild fillies just looking for a stallion.
Minion Paparazzi: *turns away quickly* His pants! They are cheekless!
Simon: Never fear ladies, your stallion for the night is here. Let's just see if you can keep up.
Garg: A cowboy? I thought I ordered lifeguards for the night.
Sim!Amanda: I can't believe you hired this dork, Garg. Where's my Jason Statham?
Simon Steele 2: No need to crowd my twin brother over there ladies. There is enough Simon Steele to go around.
Not kidding. Both of the strippers were named Simon Steele. That should have been my first indication that things might go horribly wrong, but did I pay attention? Nope.
Malika: All this partying has made me hungry. Give me some stir fry or something.
Audio: I wonder if they are serving any fried chicken at this party.
But it appears as though Sim!Amanda is not happy about something.
Amanda: He keeps grinding up against me, and he's gross. Come on Real!Garg, make him stop.
Sim!Garg: I don't see what you are complaining about. He can two-step fairly well.
OK Amanda. I'll see what I can do...
**CRASHES TO DESKTOP**
Will that work?
Corbin: I'm experiencing an overwhelming sense of deja vu.
Garg: I know what you mean. It's almost like we've lived this day before. You don't happen to see a blue police call box anywhere, do you?
As a side note, either that formal outfit is making Garg look fat, or she's pregnant again.
Aki: What do you mean you won't give the traditional toast to the bride again? You haven't given the first one...have you?
Corbin: Malika! You really might want to rethink this decision. Seriously. This outfit is dry clean only!
Malika: Are you kidding? We should celebrate. Today is your Ascension day!
Corbin: Oh! In that case...
Corbin: ...let it rip! Glug, Glug.
I finally gave in to my love for Corbin and granted him the rite of Ascension. No longer will he age. Including Corbin, there are only four people in Volcano Cove that have been granted eternal life - Sim!Garg, Sim!Geobe, and Sim!Amanda.
Poison Ivy: Wow. That outfit really makes Garg's butt look big.
Yes, I know. sim!Garg is in need of a makeover. The problem is catching her when she's not pregnant. I do have to admit, though, that Tabitha is stylin' and profilin'.
Garg: Aki, your sister-in-law is here. Maybe she will do your toast.
Aki: Eh, I'll pass.
Aki: How about you, Crystal? Would you like to do the toast to the bride.
Sim!Crystal: Sorry, Aki. I was in a horrible accident during which I lost my tongue.
Sim!Amanda: And I don't do public speaking.
Sim!Lisa: That hat she's got on is hideous.
In the end, Sim!Garg did another toast. It was just as bad as the first one.
Simon Steele: Hurdy Hur. You're a very attractive woman, Mrs. Lum. Care to grasp my life preserver?
Poison Ivy: Aww, isn't that sweet. Old lady Lum is getting some action.
Lily: Step away from me, boy.
Simon: In that case, which of you ladies needs some CPR?
Poison Ivy: Call me after the party, beefcake. Unless you're going home with Mrs. Lum.
Garg: Well, at least we got the right strippers this time.
Minion Barmaid: Excuse me, ma'am, but I don't think you are supposed to be drinking while your pregnant.
Poison Ivy: She's right, Candi. Drinking while pregnant can do horrible things to your nooboo.
Sim!Candi: Shut it. I've had a really long day.
Malika: Ok Tabitha, on the count of three we will tackle her and grab the drink.
Tabitha: I'm with ya. But do you think we should ask Aki for help? Violence at her own party...you know she'd love to participate.
Malika: No. I think she's busy.
And she was. She proceeded to skinny dip in the hottub, and flashed everyone at the party with her naked bum. Classy. Simon Steele cheered a lot at the show. Perv.
The party ended soon after that (thank goodness), and Sim!Candi was sent home without any more juice and her baby was saved!
What ya doing, BJ?
BJ: Looking for aliens. I'm not letting no green-skin sneak up on me wielding a Probulator 5000!
What are you talking about?
BJ: According to the Hall of History channel, we've been visited by aliens in the past. And Aunt Akepa says the government is working with them so they can have plenty of sims to experiment on. Well, they aren't gonna probulate me!
Carry on then.
Minion Snotty teen: *yawn* By the Builder, Akepa, you certainly invited a bunch of social rejects to your party. When my parents went out of town, I only invited the upper crust to my party.
Akepa: You don't have to stay, you know.
Minion Snotty teen: And be excluded from a social event? You must be joking.
Brady: That bathing suit shows off quite a bit of Akepa's cleavage.
Minion Snotty teen: Even the way these people slide is undignified! Is he trying to leave his faceprint on the plastic?
Everyone else: Shut up already!
Bj: King BJ is not pleased to see a cave man in the royal dining hall, drinking the royal juice.
What are you talking about? You aren't even old enough to drink juice.
BJ: Not the point! I shall have to think of a suitable punishment - one that is both dire and won't make Grandma upset.
Akepa: Attention all partying teens! The parental units must have bugged the house and found out what we were doing because THEY ARE ON THEIR WAY! This is a Parental Red Alert! This is not a drill! I repeat, this is not a drill! Please proceed to the nearest exit!
The general consensus was that the party blowed chunks, though it does appear a few people had some fun.
Teen 1: Dude, do you think she was kidding? About the surveilance equipment her parents installed?
Teen 2: I don't know, man. I just hope her parents don't give mine any ideas.
All Teens: Ain't that the truth!
Sergio Stormcaller: Look here giant face, are you stalking me?
Giant face? Is that any way to talk to your mother? I ought to wash your mouth out with soap. But in point of fact, I am not stalking you, I was following Akepa and wondering why she felt the need to hide in the bushes.
Akepa: Can't a girl get some privacy? The plumbing in the school is broken and I've got to go!
Let's apply some selective hearing techniques to that, shall we? Now, Sergio, you really do have Sim!Garg's genes. You poor thing.
Sergio: I know your game. You're planning to somehow get Stormcaller genes into the Byrd line, aren't you? Well, I am not available!
Not to worry, dear. I don't have a female heir.
Anna Lum: Wow. I'll bet if she collected enough spirits, she could totally rule the world with them!
Tabitha: According to my instrument, Theodore, it is your house that is haunted and not your daughter. This is not a case of Eaxian possession.
Theo: Are you sure? Feel free to swing her about your head or throw her into the wall to be sure.
Tabitha: I'm quite sure that your daughter is just fine.
Theo: Oh. Good.
Tabitha: Crazy old bastard. No wonder Lawrence is a few bubbles off plumb.
Still, his case did help you achieve your lifetime wish. Congrats on fulfilling Paranormal Profiteer!
Tabitha: Thanks. No one rocks this look more than I do. Not even Corbin Boudreaux.
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
Useless Minion Maid: Oh that Albatross! He's such a good father. I could just stand in the doorway and peer creepily at him all day.
Buzz: Daddy! Foot!
Alba: I see that the xylophone has swallowed part of your foot, Buzz. If you look behind me, you'll see that the wall has swallowed most of my back as well. Since we are both stuck, how about we practice your song some more?
Buzz: K! I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee...
It was about here that the glitches started becoming more and more prominent on this lot. *grumble*
Akepa: Mom, can you help me? I can't figure out the answer to this homework question.
Cole: I'll certainly try, Pumpkin. What's the question?
Akepa: It says I have to figure out which came first - the chicken or the egg.
Cole: The chicken came first, of course.
Akepa: Really? How do you know?
Cole: I know because the chicken always comes first. Always.
Minion Paparazzi: A member of the Byrd family? Painting? Wait till the editor of The Plumbob Examiner gets a hold of this story! It will make my career!
**Akepa puts her paintbrush down, pulls out a mysterious looking device and presses a button. Finished, she replaces the device, picks up her brush and continues painting.**
Minion Paparazzi: A member of the Byrd family? Painting? Such brush strokes, such artistic genius! I'm sure they apply that same genius to their photography skills. I know, I'll write a story about the art of Byrd photography! I'm sure my editors will love it.
Why, it is Sim!Starla and Gordon Boudreaux. I wonder what they are up to?
Gordon: I charge 500 for a night on the town and a marathon session afterwards, but it would have to be at your house because my wife is home.
Starla: I don't need you for the night, just an hour. How much for a quickie?
BJ: I can't wait till I'm a big boy!
Yes you can! Now stop acting like Inspector Gadget. You are creeping me out.
Also, please note the bad plumbing. I'm too lazy to have any of them take up handiness until someone actually needs it, so we tend to have the repair person over every other day.
Hey Flat, Fozzie. I see you've made a new friend.
Flat: Yeah, that's Gonzo. He just showed up one day, already aged to an old geezer.
Fozzie: My joke sense is tingling! You might want to look over there.
Alba, Fozzie said I should pay attention to what's going on over here. So what are ya doing?
Alba: Making my famous fried Toficken balls, the perfect solution for people who love chicken grease but prefer not to eat meat! But I think what the bear was referring to is in the next room.
Tabitha: Fried Toficken balls?! I love fried toficken balls! I'm sure no one would mind if I licked the last little bit of grease off the plate.
**Licks the plate so vigorously she lodges the sharp edge of the plate in her nose**
Tabitha: Alba, honey? Can you bring the car around? I think we need to go to the hospital.
Alba: Be right there, SugarLump!
Gonzo: Frammit Flatulence! I was napping. Sending a barking spider that loud and smelly in my direction was uncalled for!
Flat: Really? I thought it was perfectly appropriate. *laughs*
It's Sim!Jeselyn! And she's pregnant!
Jeselyn: Yeah, about that... I know I told you when you first talked about dumping me into this game that I didn't want any children.
Don't blame me. You decided to marry Fletcher Skipton and procreate all on your own. Wish I could stay and chat, Jeselyn, but I really must zoom back to the Byrd manse because...
... it is time for Buzzard's birthday!
Brad: Are you ready to age up, Buzz?
Buzz: *eyes the audience creepily* People...I see you...
Buzz: I'm just joking with ya, folks. Stare all you like.
He's a cutie! I'm so glad the founder's genes are still going strong.
Buzz: Tofu cake? I could whip up something that tasted a lot better than this with a toy oven and melted rubber tires! Where's the chicken cake that BJ told me about it?
Tabitha: Hush Buzz, and eat your cake. The chicken cake hasn't been invented yet.
Buzz: Oh. Well if you want me to go find one and bring it home for dinner, you just have to say the word.
Alas, I have searched high and low and have not been able to find a chicken cake for download. *sadface* I've found carrot cakes, strawberry cakes, and chocolate cakes, but no chicken cake! If anyone out there has a suggestion on where to look, please let me know!
Oh my! I'm not sure I want to know, but I'll bite the bullet and ask anyway. So guys, where did the baby gnome come from? Normally I wouldn't ask, but seeing as all of you are male, it does beg the question.
Flatulence: How do you think Doctor Honeydew got here? I ate some melon after scarfing down a pound of pinto beans. I thought I was about to pass a massive barking spider to annoy Gonzo and instead this little lad popped out.
That is disturbing on so many levels.
Gonzo: One swift kick to that furry behind and he and his bad jokes will go sailing into the wisteria...
BJ: Hey Dad, look at all the badges I've gotten from participating in the Chicken Scouts of Volcano Cove.
Alba: That's pretty impressive, son. What are they for?
BJ: Let's see...That one I got for helping cart gallons of oil to the chicken fryer, and that one I got for frying my first chicken without injury to life and limb. The big one is my chicken sensei badge and I got it from imitating Grandpa and smearing my body with chicken grease and streaking down the beach.
Alba: I'm proud of you son.
The glitches in the house continued to get worse.
Cole: It isn't so bad. Sure it's a pain in the waddle to keep falling through the ceiling after each load of laundry I collect, but there is an bright side.
Really? And what would that be?
Cole: When I roll out of bed in the morning I just keep falling and end up in the kitchen, which is where I wanted to be in the first place!
BJ: Grandma, when I grow up, I want to be as strong as you. Would you teach me Sim Fu when I'm old enough?
Cole: Of course I will, BJ. But why this sudden desire to learn?
BJ: I saw a movie about an alien invasion, and Aunt Akepa says it is only a matter of time before the government sends a signal to the blue planet Borax letting them know we are ripe for invasion. I want to be able to protect myself and my family when they get here.
cole: I see. I think you've had enough TV for awhile, young man.
BJ: Awww, Grandma....
I'm sure you remember Sim!Jeselyn from a few picture previous. Here she is with her new daughter, Penny.
Sim!Jeselyn: Eh, she's cute enough. I guess I'll keep her.
Aki: So Mom says you are filling BJ's head with a lot of nonsense about aliens and the like.
Akepa: It's not nonsense. All the conspiracy theories are in plain view on the internet. I am merely passing along the information.
Aki: Uh huh. In the future, how about you limit your discussions with him to the conspiracies involving the Pick Porkers? The poor kid is scared to death. Normally, I would find the situation funny, but I'm the one he wakes up in the middle of the night. I need my sleep, frammit!
Akepa: Oh, alright. I suppose it is more likely we will have wage war with the Pick Porkers before we have to fight off the aliens anyway.
Aki: Quite right. Word on the force is that they are planning something, we just don't know exactly what yet.
Finally an exploding toilet caught on film! And was Fozzie anywhere around to see it? Of course not.
One of the many public venues in Volcano Cove is the U Pick Orchard, a place where city dwellers can come and gain a taste of country life. It is also a popular place for lovers...
Queenie Skipton: You disgust me Max Derp. Ever since the day you used that massive nose to blow boogers all over me, I've hated the very sight of you.
Max Derp: Maybe I wouldn't have blown my nose on you if you hadn't been such a stuck up witch.
...and for enemies. It is probably best not to ask why the trees in the U Pick Orchard grow to such impressive heights, or produce such abundant and delectable fruit. There is no telling what's been buried out here, and who fertilizes the soil.
Queenie: The next time we meet Max Derp, only one of us will walk away.
Max: Tell it to someone who cares, toots. I ain't afraid of your military training. Bulk always wins over skill.
If one of them goes missing, I think we will know where to look.
Ashton Reed: Look! There's another one over there! Don't forget to get that one too.
Tabitha: I know my job, Ashton. Have no fear. No ghost shall escape me. After all, I am a professional.
Ashton: Oh my plumbob! What is that ghost doing with that Ood?
Tabitha: You might want to turn your head, sir. This might get messy.
Kudos to those who get that particular reference. Sorry, couldn't resist.
Sim!Neder: Sabrina and I were wondering when you were going to stop goofing off and close this chapter.
Sabrina Funke: You do realize this is chapter 9 and you've only gotten to generation 'B', right?
So, I'm slow. Get off me.
But I must admit that the old geezers have a point. It is time to close this chapter and move onto the next. Will Aki discover what major plot the Pick Porkers are percolating? Will BJ go nuts from his fear of aliens and probulating? How many more bodies will be buried in the U Pick Orchard? And will Tabitha figure out exactly what that ghost was doing with an Ood?
Join me next time and maybe we will find out! Unless the glitches get me first! Until then, Happy Simming!