Welcome back to the Byrds, where greasy fried chicken doesn't have any calories and is actually a health food! Last time, BJ aged into a teen, Cole and Brad had a fight about Sim!Sabrina's butt, and we were plagued with glitches that required a move to a new Volcano Cove. Akepa is following in her mother's footsteps in every sense of the word, and the Pick Porkers have found themselves a champion.
You know it is a new neighborhood when we see Sim!Julie out in her man-hunting gear wedding dress. It is a signal to all single men that she is available and actively seeking a mate.
Julie: If I play this game well, I just know that I'll attract the attention of that cute guy over there.
Yeah, only one problem. The bunnies are behind you. No one recruit this lass for your Gnubb League; you'd likely lose every game!
Aki wasted no time in getting out and interrogating the residents. She started with Vireo Chimeree.
Aki: Look worried, Vireo. Act like I'm giving you a citation.
Vireo: *in a loud voice* But really, Officer Byrd, I didn't eat bacon in public. Honest!
Aki: *in an equally loud voice* Tough waddle, maggot. *whispering* What have you learned about his Lagasse character?
Vireo: Not much. He seems to be keeping a low profile at the moment, but I know someone who might have more information.
Aha! So Vireo is actually an informant. Interesting.
Does this mean that Julie is also an informant?
Aki: I saw you, Julie. You tossed that pulled pork sandwich in the washing machine as soon as you saw me walk up!
Julie: No, Officer Byrd. It wasn't me! I would never let a prospective husband see me eating something as undignified as a pork sandwich! The sauce alone would taint my sparkling white dress!
Aki: Uh huh. Then why is the washing machine overflowing?
Julie: *laughs nervously* Um, cause I hid the gnubb stick in it?
Aki: You are BUSTED! Pay the fine!
Vireo: You two talk. I'll stand here in my best nonchalant pose and keep watch.
Aki: You've got some information for me, Jet?
Jet: He's been spotted at the junkyard collecting a large amount of scrap metal.
Jet: He's also been employed at the Diner. It's probably not safe to eat there. I think he adds pig snouts to each of his dishes.
Aki: Thanks. Now, play along. *in a loud voice* Since this is your first offense Jet Chimeree, I'm letting you off with a warning, but I best see you at the next Peace and Chicken Grease rally.
Jet: Me, Lefty, and Righty will all be there.
Back at the El Presidente manor, I keep finding nice little bird touches about the place. Like this outdoor light that is topped with an adorable little sparrow. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Sarah, you did an excellent job.
Brad: What's this? Someone is putting forward a proposal to make it illegal to run naked through the streets even if smeared with chicken grease? That's barbaric! I'll nix this bill before it even gets to a vote.
In Volcano Cove, no one messes with the observance of peace and chicken grease. No one.
Brad: I understand, son, that you've moved into our house.
Lawrence: Yes sir.
Brad: I also understand that you are sharing a bedroom with my daughter, Aki. As head of this household I will not tolerate any hanky panky until after marriage. Bad things happen to people who don't follow my rules. Am I clear?
Lawrence: *gulp* Ye..Yes sir. Do the misfires and redos count? Cause technically we've been married in one form or fashion about 20 times now.
Brad: Not until it is finally legal, boy.
Lawrence: Ye..Yes sir.
Lawrence: Did you find anything, Aki?
Aki: No. According to the internet there is no way to regain one's virginity unless the Handler's computer crashes before the save. You?
Lawrence: Nothing. Not even the writings of the Ancient Chicken Sensei are any help, although I did find some very interesting uses for chicken grease. What are we going to do? He's going to kill me!
Aki: Don't worry, lover. All we have to do is tell him that the only thing we are doing at night is sleeping.
Aki: I'm sure they will believe us.
LOL! Once Lawrence moved in, Cole starting wandering into their bedroom and watching them sleep. The Godmother Grandmother strikes again!
Akepa: You were so right, Mom! The Robocop cars were extremely polite, and once the other inmates heard that a Byrd had been arrested they started to clammor for a community project to work on.
Cole: Good work, sugar. What project did you choose for your first arrest?
Akepa: We knitted baby booties for the premies in the hospital. Even Guts, the bruiser, helped. And Mom, I think he actually smiled.
Cole: I remember Guts. His fists are registered weapons and he can snap a sim in half with ease, but he truly has a gentle heart. I'm proud of you, Akepa.
Akepa: Thanks Mom.
And while one daughter is saving baby feet one stitch at a time, the other has decided to help the community by going into the "service" industry - in the red light district.
Aki: Shut up. I've been tailing Lagasse, and it is important to blend in.
Yeah, I'm sure he will never spot you dressed like that in a junkyard.
In fact, I'd say a pimp costume is about as inconspicuous as a repairman in a jester hat.
Minion Repairman: I'm just trying to lighten up the atmosphere around here. It is all so gloomy and doomy.
Um...I think you might have the wrong house, Bubba. We get plenty of laughs here.
Buzz: Look Rasheed! See all my Chicken Scout badges?
King Rasheed Boudreaux: Whatever, man. There ain't no way your chicken badges can top being a King.
Buzz: Can so!
Rasheed: Can not!
Buzz: What do you think, BJ? Isn't being a Chicken Scout much more important than being a King?
BJ: Is there any reason either of you can't do both? I was both King and a Scout when I was younger.
Buzz: BJ is right. Let's play both!
King Rasheed: OK. You've got a really cool older brother.
Tabitha: Oh dear. I think I might be pregnant again.
Puffins: She's just now getting a clue?
Her immediate reaction was to run to Brad and let him in on the good news.
Tabitha: Great news, Brad! You are going to be a Grandfather again!
Brad: That's wonderful! Is it Alba's?
Tabitha: What? Of course it is. Why would you even ask that?
Brad: *thinking to himself* I thought those pictures I received in the mail looked photoshopped! They must have been. The only two people she shows interest in is Alba and me, and I know it isn't mine.
Useless Minion Maid: That Cole Byrd! Besmirching the evil name of criminals everywhere! I'd love to get my hands around her neck...
Hmmm, might be time to fire the Useless Minion Maid and hire another.
What is this? Sim!Amanda is consorting with the enemy?
Amanda: Why did you call me here? I'm not interested in the Pick Pork movement, nor are you in any way, shape, or form, attractive.
Emeril: You are very outspoken, aren't you?
Amanda: Look, the only reason I'm here is because you threatened my husband, and even though our marriage is on the rocks and we aren't even living together anymore, that doesn't mean I want you to torture him. So spill it, fangy, and in a hurry. I'm on my way to a wedding rehearsal and I want to get there before Brad eats all the sushi.
Emeril: I need you to deliver a message to your dear friends, the Byrds....
Yes, readers, you heard right. This is a wedding rehearsal. Why a rehearsal and not the real thing? You'll see...
Aki: Looks like all the food is ready to go. Key lime pie for Geobe, sushi for Dad, and salad for everyone else. Now we just need folk to show up.
Janna Boudreaux: I'm here for the rehearsal. I hope I'm not late.
Janna is the daughter of Sim!Candi and Gordon Boudreaux. And she doesn't have the face of a hawk.
Aki: Hey honey. Are you ready to practice?
Lawrence: I think so dear. Do you think the tux is OK? Gargantua said that if I wore this one I would look like I came from another age.
*giggle snort* I couldn't resist sticking poor Lawrence in a powder blue polyester leisure suit. I did it to amuse myself, really. I know. I am easily amused.
Garg: Oh, the setting for this is wedding is so beautiful it makes me just want to barf. Bluuurrrghh.
Classy as always, simself. Most likely this means she is pregnant...again. Or Aki added a special something to the sushi.
Aki: Ok Lawrence, get your lines right this time or I'm going to deck you. And I don't think you want to get married with a black eye, do you?
Lawrence: S...Sure, Aki. Whatever you want.
Akepa: I hope the Handler spends this much money on my wedding.
Yeah, so the arch is fixed and they wouldn't get married beneath it. Hence rehearsal. At least this way we get Corbin Boudreaux to officiate.
Corbin: Do you, Lawrence Lum, take Aki Byrd as your lawfully wedded wife, to do as she tells you for the rest of your life?
Lawrence: I do! I do! Don't hit me again, Aki. I do!
Brad: I wonder where Corbin got the license to conduct weddings?
Probably online at the ghost hunting and matrimonial emporium. Everything you need to be the best Black Widow possible.
Corbin: Ssshh. Do you mind? I'm conducting a ceremony here.
Sorry. Carry on.
Corbin: And do you, Akikiki Byrd, take Lawrence Lum as your lawfully wedded husband, to boss around as long as you both shall live?
Aki: You bet I do. Give me your finger, Lawrence.
Corbin: Then by the powers vested in me, I declare you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.
Corbin: By Plumbob! Is his tongue really that long? I'm not sure they are doing it right.
Brad: I am certain they will be blessed by the Ancient Chicken Sensei.
After the practice wedding ceremony, I took stock of the guests. Apparently, I forgot to tic the "exclusive option" and a great number of wedding crashers showed up. Including Sim!Elissa. I think she came for the sushi.
Elissa: Are you kidding? I've heard all about this miracle of confection called tofu cake. Where is it?
And the guests kept coming...
...and coming until this tiny little wedding park was filled to the brim with wedding attendees. And all of them wanted to watch Corbin play with his bass.
And I'm not sure I blame them. *sigh* Corbin!
Geobe: He said that? But that's nuts!
Amanda: I know! But what do you expect? He is insane.
Geobe: True. Have you talked to Brad yet?
Amanda: No. Cole watches me like a hawk anytime I get near him. I think she is still holding a grudge from when I peeped in their windows many chapters ago.
Geobe: Well I'll get my buds in Hellsing to work on tracking him down. It may not be much, but we can at least take care of the vamp thing. What do you think dear?
Garg: Pfft. As if. Too much pork fat must have addled his brain. We will wipe the floor with him and his cronies.
Note Cole in the background keeping a close eye on Amanda.
Amanda: Akepa! Glad I caught you. Look, the new Pick Pork leader is forcing me to deliver a message. If I give it to you, will you make sure the rest of the family gets it?
Akepa: Sure. What does the cretin want?
Amanda: Oh, thank Plumbob! I really want to be done with this mess. He said...
Akepa: Hold on a sec. I want to take notes. Ok, so he wants us to be where? To do what?
The rest of the guests enjoyed the entertainment offered by Corbin, blissfully unaware of the Pick Pork threat.
Buzz: Hi there. I'm Buzz. I've always wanted to meet a vampire. Do you ever accidentally cut your own lip with your fangs?
Eric Northman: It has been centuries since I've eaten a child. I wonder if they still taste like chicken.
Brad: Is that vampire scoping out my grandson?
May I just say that Dodge Secksie has the best formal outfit. Ever. It never fails to bring a smile to my face.
Dodge: Hey kid, why are you eating all alone back here in the dark?
BJ: I think the vampire is about to eat my brother and the sight of so much blood would have turned me off my food.
Dodge: You need to toughen up, boy.
Apparently the VCPD does not like it when teenagers eat sushi by themselves in the dark either.
Minion Cop: Son, you are breaking curfew. Teenagers aren't allowed to be out at night by themselves. They get into too much trouble.
BJ: I'm not alone! My Grandma is standing right over there!
Cole: *is blissfully unaware*
Minon Cop: I don't care if your Grandma is standing over there and is the Empress of the criminal underworld. Technically she is one step off the edge of this lot, and therefore you are an unattended child. Go home.
Aki: BJ! What do you think you were doing? I could care less if you want to stay out all night, but getting the cops involved? Are you trying to embarrass me with my co-workers?
BJ: But I... Grandma was right there... I was just eating sushi!
Yeah, I don't understand it either, BJ. Seems pretty unfair to me.
The next day we had the Akikiki Byrd/Lawrence Lum wedding. For real. They actually used the arch!
Lawrence: *looking up* Oh! So this is the arch thing Garg has been talking about for weeks.
Aki: Yeah, though I don't understand why she got so obsessed.
The guests actually sat down in the chairs to view the ceremony. I, as the Handler, was practically jumping up and down with joy at this point.
Well, perhaps crying tears of joy would be more appropriate.
Garg: Amanda! I can't believe it is actually working! I'm almost to the point where I can bid Aki farewell. I'm so relieved! *sobs with joy*
Amanda: I know what you mean. *sniffle* I've been wearing these uncomfortable shoes for so long I can't even feel my feet anymore. After today, I get to take them off!
Lisette: So, what is this? Like the 25th time we've seen these two attempt to get married?
Lisette: Want to stake a bet on whether or not they'll get it done this time?
Corbin: Do I look stupid?
This picture makes me laugh. I can't help but think Brad and Tabitha are about to do magic tricks and pull bouquets out of their sleeves.
Brad: Don't be silly, Garg. We aren't doing magic tricks.
Tabitha: Of course not. We are practicing to enter the olympics in the synchronized sleeve straightening competition.
I think I like the idea of magic tricks better.
Aki: Are you ready, Lawrence? We've done this so many times now, you should be able to recite your lines in your sleep.
Lawrence: Of course I do. Aki, I promise to obey you in everything, and know that if I don't, you will kill me slowly.
Aki: Awwww, Lawrence. You are so sweet.
Brad and Cole: Hooray! Our daughter is married which means MORE GRANDKIDS!
Aki: Hey Garg?
Don't thank me now, kiddo. You'll have to pay me back for this later.
Aki: In that case, screw you!
Theodore Lum: Can't you cut that cake any faster, son? I'm hungry.
Cole: I'm with you, Theo. Your son is slower than a turtle swimming in chicken grease.
The wedding was not without glitches, however.
Janna: The occasion was so joyous, I don't seem to be able to stop clapping.
Garg: I know what you mean. I'm so happy, I think I'll stand here and throw handfuls of the dandruff of joy for an eternity.
Garg was sent home via reset, but I sent BJ over to try and persuade Janna to get out of her stupor. Be suave, BJ!
BJ: I think you can stop clapping now, Janna. The ceremony is long over. I'm sure that both of them know how happy you are for them.
Janna: Yes, I suppose you're right. I'm sure you think I'm an idiot for clapping way beyond the ceremony.
BJ: I don't think you're an idiot at all. In fact, getting glitched up like that is kinda cool.
Janna: You really think so?
Brady: *makes loud yummy noises* This cake is delicious! Oh, and don't mind me, BJ. It isn't like I'm watching every move you make towards my cousin or anything. Carry on.
BJ: *coughing awkwardly* Erm, so I guess I'll see you at school, Janna.
Janna: Of course you will. Brady, get lost.
Interestingly enough, Brady was not the only one keeping a close eye on them.
Lily Lum: Watching teens stumble through romance is a lot like watching a bad football game. Hey honey, do you remember what we used to get up to at our high school football games?
Buzz: What does she mean, Corbin?
Corbin: You'll find out when you're older.
Buzz: OH! She's talking about making animal noises like my Grandma and Grandpa, isn't she?
Amanda: What are they teaching this child?
Aki: Lawrence, guess what?
Lawrence: What SugarLump? It was a big day, and I'm rather tired.
Aki: We are now officially married, which means we can woohoo all we want to and Dad can't say anything about it.
Lawrence: ...I'm suddenly not so tired.
And while the newlyweds were celebrating ...
... another momentous event was occurring upstairs.
Alba: Honey Bun! I think you need to get up now! Your water just broke and soaked both me and the bed! Tabitha! Wake up!
Tabitha: Alba? Why are you shouting?
Alba: Because you are having a baby!
Tabitha: Really? Are you sure?
Despite Alba's panic, he and Tabitha made their leisurely way to the hospital where Tabitha gave birth to Bittern, an absent-minded heavy-sleeper.
Tabitha: See Pumpkin Pie? He came out alright. There was no need to panic.
Alba: My goodness, having a baby is tiring!
It amuses me to see that Alba is the one exhausted. Of course, I wasn't to find out till later that Alba might have been right to worry.
But before we get into that, I want to share another bird touch in the new mansion. Here we have a chicken decoration to commemorate the Chicken Kitchen! Love it! Squee!
Now readers, before you start to panic, I will reassure you that there is nothing wrong with Bittern. He gets lots of love from everyone in the house including Grandpa.
Brad: There's my little nooboo. When you get a little older, I'll tell you all about Peace and Chicken Grease, and you'll get to eat some when you get teeth.
In fact, a long-lost Aunt (that I've never heard of) blessed him with special doll. We'll call her Miss Piggy.
Alba: Cinnamon Swirl, you just gave birth last night. So why do you still have a baby bump?
Tabitha: Oh Alba, I didn't know how to tell you. The Doctor said that Bittern is actually a twin. The reason I didn't realize I was in labor was because it was so early. The Doc stopped the contractions, so the other baby will stay inside and cook for a bit longer.
Alba: He's early? But he looks so healthy. Is there anything wrong with him?
Tabitha: No, he is perfectly healthy. He just might be a bit small, and he could be a little weaker than the others. We will just have to keep a close eye.
Miss Piggy: Don't you worry, Bittern. You're destined to lead me to my Kermie and I won't let anything happen to you.
The truth is, Tabitha glitched into the permanently pregnant state - she wasn't pregnant, but she acted like she was. So after waiting a few days to see if she'd get out of it on her own (she didn't), I used Master Controller to pollinate her. Now she really is pregnant, and the Byrds will have a fourth child that I didn't really plan on. If going through a pregnancy doesn't reset her, then she's on her own.
And it was while I was trying all the solutions I had found to try and fix Tabitha (they didn't work worth a flip) that I noticed a glorious event.
Aki: Bluurrgghhh! Whoever told me to eat peanut butter to settle my stomach is going to die! Blurrrghh.
But I think Fozzie expresses my sentiments on the situation the best.
Aki: *hurls violently* I'm going to kill that bear.
Aki is not a happy pregnant lady.
Buzz: Are you sure you want to finish this game, BJ?
BJ: Of course. Why do you ask?
Buzz: Because once Aki is finished hurling in the bathroom, she's going to hunt you down.
BJ: Oh. You know about the peanut butter, then.
BJ: Brother! Friend! How about you distract her so I can get a running head start?
Buzz: How about 'Not On Your Wattle'?
BJ: Aki, I understand you're mad at me for the peanut butter thing. I even appreciate the fact that you feel the need to yell at me.
BJ: But do you really need to do it in nothing but your underwear? This is seriously more of you than I ever wanted to see.
LOL! I don't know if you can see it, but it looks like she's got musical notes coming out of her boobs. I've heard of breast milk leakage among pregnant women, but this is a new one.
BJ: I mean really! Grandma would never walk around in her undies while pregnant! Why can't you follow her example?
Aki: Oh BJ, you poor deluded little Byrd. Why don't you ask your Dad how many times he saw Grandma in her underwear while she was carrying me and Akepa.
BJ: Oh. That's an image I didn't need. But while we are on the subject, where exactly are you holding that cellphone? It ain't like you've got any pockets.
Aki: I could tell you, BJ, but then I'd have to kill you, and as you are the first-born and hence the heir, I'm fairly certain Garg wouldn't like a bit.
Aki: *cracks her knuckles* Of course, that doesn't mean I can't rough you up a bit for the peanut butter...
Honeydew: *tips his hat over his eyes* I don't think I need to see anymore. Poor BJ may be walking with a limp for the next few days, and it is highly unlikely he will be able to sit down.
Minion Maid: I wonder if that painting is supposed to represent this Peace and Chicken Grease Manor House?
That is a very good question. Now stop loitering and go clean something you useless excuse for a sim.
So, dear readers, I thought I'd give you a glimpse of the grand house that I am giving Lawrence and Aki even though they don't deserve it. It should be spacious enough for lots of children.
It is not located on Byrd Island, but is only a quick drive so Cole can visit the grandkids without too much hassle.
Aki: Oh, how I love my wedding ring. It is so shiny!
Great. I'm thrilled for you. Now take that useless husband of yours and get out.
Brad: You can come out of hiding now, BJ. Aki and Lawrence are gone.
BJ: Whew. That's a sigh of relief.
Brad: How are you feeling?
BJ: OK, I suppose. That donut cushion you gave me really helps alleviate the pain when I sit down.
Since last chapter I gave you such a poor picture of the memory wall, I thought I'd give you a much better one here. Squee! Isn't is marvelous?
Brad: Gimme some sugar, baby.
They really are sweet together. They still stalk one another around the house and it seems like they are headed off to do the Woo and the Hoo everytime I turn around.
Miss Piggy: Listen up, Bittern. I'll do my best to take care of you, but if you fail me and don't help me find my Kermie, then... KARATE CHOP!
It is birthday time again at the Byrd manse. But I'll bet you knew that just by looking.
Randall Stormcaller: Geez Mom! You are so embarrassing. Do you close your eyes before you pick out something to wear?
Corbin: ARGH! My eyes! I think that combination of colors has damaged my retinas!
Garg: Both of you can stuff it. Don't make me unleash the power of pregnancy hormones on you both. Besides, don't we have other things to do?
Garg: Like wish Buzz a happy transition?
Go ahead, Buzz. Blow out your candles and make a wish!
Buzz: I wish...
Buzz: ...to be emo!
Looks like that wish was granted there, dude. He rolled neurotic.
Terry Edmonds: By the power of Chicken Grease, Buzz! Your package just got a lot bigger!
Heather Fulton: Is it my turn now? I wish to turn into a total kickass girlfriend for Buzz!
Brady: *sigh* There are too many munchkins running around.
BJ: Looks like there is 75% of Buzz's tofu cake left. Excellent! I'm sure he won't mind if I gobble it down.
Looks like Heather's wish was granted as well.
Terry: By the power of Chicken Grease, Heather! Your boobs just got a lot bigger! I hope I get breasts when I transition.
Heather: You are one strange kid, Terry.
Brad: That Heather transitioned into quite the looker, Buzz. Aren't you going to go over there and talk to her? Maybe ask her out on a date or something?
Buzz: *talking with his mouth full of cake* Will later. Right now, eating cake before BJ does!
Brad: Welcome to the family, Brady. Just know that I don't allow any hanky panky in the house before marriage. We've wired the peacock bedroom with all kinds of sensors and cameras, and we will know if you break our rules. Believe me when I tell you that you don't want to break our rules. Ever.
Brady: I understand, sir.
Brady is a hydrophobic virtuoso that is easily impressed, a whiz at the computer, and dislikes children. He's in for a world of misery with that dislikes children trait. His lifetime wish is to be a Rock Star - so I have no idea why he joined the police force. I'll be sure to fix that real quick.
Tabitha: We just moved out Aki and Lawrence, and now we're moving in Brady? This sucks.
Speaking of Aki and Lawrence, I am pleased to announce that they had twins! Of course the game named them something stupid, so I went in and named them Barbet and Bullfinch. My plan is to do that for all Byrd children. If I don't name them according to my alphabetic naming scheme, I will quickly lose track of them!
Aki: I hope never to do that again.
But most importantly, with the birth of the twins, Cole and Brad now have five grandkids. You look pretty satisfied. Does that mean you are happy?
Cole: Of course I am. And just to show you how happy I am, I am going to roll up this wish for 10 grandchildren.
*headdesk* I can't win. I know it is a bit of a disgrace to allow my sims to walk all over me, but...
*locks in the wish for 10 grandchildren* Sigh.
Will Brad and Cole live long enough to see five more grandchildren? Will Tabitha ever birth the next baby? And once she does, will that fix her? Will Miss Piggy slip and karate chop poor Bittern in the head? I have no idea! So join me next time for another gripping tale of the Byrds!